For you ADHD mamas! A glimpse into my world.

Flash back to grade school:   You are in a classroom with a disruptive child.   He can't control his actions, frequently shouting out random words or asking irrelevant questions without raising his hand.   He can't keep his hands to himself, or he stares out the window all day. You can't understand why it's so hard for me to conform to the rules set by the teacher and you grow more annoyed as the year goes on because it's always something with him.   I remember those children well.    Now, I am married to one and raising another (possibly more than one). 

It makes my heart ache to now understand what those children in class were going through when the rest of us sat and tried not to judge them.    In those years, ADHD was not something you talked openly about.  (This is the part that angers me....)  Parents were in denial that their children suffered from the disorder and refused to accept that something was "wrong" with their kids.   They frequently argued with teachers, social workers, psychologists, and general practitioners.   They came up with excuse after excuse why ADHD wasn't what their child had.   There was no way!  Not their child! 

I live with a husband diagnosed with ADHD.    Statistics show that marriage with 1 or 2 partners dealing with the disorder have a much higher rate of divorce.   If I remember correctly it's 70% higher than those not dealing with it.   Marriage is HARDER.  Everything in our house is HARDER.    Miscommunication, lack of short term memory, hyperfocus (which is never cleaning the house), fatigue and irritability from trying to focus, anxiety/depression due to low self esteem from not being able to focus and being upset with themselves that they can't.    He cannot be on time---it is not possible.  If there isn't an alarm set for an alarm, set for an alarm, then it isn't going to happen.   Some days it feels like all responsibility is left for me.   You can see where this can become exhausting.    We have gotten to a point in our relationship where we can laugh about it most days, but it took a looooong time to get there. 

When Mason was born, I knew something wasn't typical about him.   He was bored with toys early.   He was having tantrums due to overstimulation when he was very young.   His hands couldn't be dirty.   He could only use certain sippy cups.    He cried in the car no matter how long we were in it.   (Try a 14 hour trip to visit family with that going on....)  To this day, if you change his routine and don't tell him several times ahead of time he has a meltdown.    There were so many days in my life I worried:  Is he on the autism spectrum?  Does he have OCD?  WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY BABY BOY???   After my husband was diagnosed and I saw a change in him on meds,  I could rationalize Mason's behaviors better.   He has sensory issues because he is overstimulated because his brain is going faster than his body can handle.    His brain is going 100 different directions and there are only a few outlets for that information and as a 5 year old he just doesn't know what to do about it.    On the plus side, he knew his colors at 10 months and he could write his alphabet at 18 months.  He would sing full songs in the car by 2.5 and he has always been one step ahead of most adults for the majority of his life.   To compensate for all of this I have no choice but to plan steps ahead.   Not 2-3 steps but more like 10.   I have learned in this house that I have to be prepared for any situation/reaction because I don't know what will happen and I want to help him get ahold of his reactions and learn how to deal.

Today was the first day we tried Ritalin with Mason.   Two weeks of being exhausted after school with massive, immature temper tantrums and I knew something was wrong.   He cried Saturday and told me that he can't focus at school because it's too loud.    He's always been his own worst critic.   If something might be wrong then he won't even try to answer it.   He came up to me yesterday and asked me what "1+1+1+10+5" was, but 2+4 at school overwhelms him.   It was today that all of this hit me.   5.5 years later and today was the day I finally accepted that he does, without a doubt, have ADHD.   I keep throwing around the question, "why is it so hard for me to accept?" because I knew that the chances of having a child with the disorder were higher.    I didn't want to admit it because I now have to face it head-on.   I don't get to hide under my covers and wish it away.   I don't get to send him to school and brush off the social issues that come with the disorder.   I don't get to do that because I WON'T do that.    I won't be the mom who refuses to help her son because of what others may think of it. 

There are days that I see the look on other parent's faces and I want to slap them into reality.   My son cannot control his impulses.   If we are at the park and he is excited, he will probably cut in line on the playground equipment and I will be there hovering like a hawk to remind him over and over and over and over and over and over and over not to do it, but he will do it anyway.   When he gets done cutting and finishes playing, he will be upset with himself.   He will know that he cut and he shouldn't have, and he will be so frustrated that he couldn't stop himself that he will have a meltdown over the way his zipper is sitting on his coat on the way home.    So, what do these parents want me to do?   I won't avoid public places because they lack such compassion and understanding of the disorder.  I won't yell at him and degrade him in public because they think I'm a bad mother so I need to make sure they know that I know how to discipline.   I will remind him, probably sometimes in a tone that is too harsh, that cutting in line isn't socially acceptable and he needs to learn how to handle him impulses no matter how hard----even though I know it really isn't possible.    I want to carry fliers to pass out everywhere I go to raise awareness.   ADHD isn't just hyperactivity.  It is a LOT  more.   It affects every person differently, which is why it can be hard to diagnose.  There are actually 6 different types of ADHD.    Each type responds differently to medications, therapy, etc. 

So, here I am.   Today went okay.  Mason did well on his med and I can only hope it wasn't a fluke.  I want nothing more than to see his self esteem flourish and see him reach his potential in all areas of life without having to be so frustrated.   I want to see him outgrow his anxiety when he learns how to better handle the stress of not being able to focus.   I want him to graduate high school, go to college,  have a marriage with a woman who researchs and understands the ins and outs of committing to a person with ADHD, and be there to guide his children if they end up inheriting it from him.   But above all, I want him to know and recognize that the anxiety and worry I went through while he was growing up was because I wanted nothing more than for him to be the best that he could be and I did whatever it took to be his main supporter.   Children with ADHD need support.  They don't need to be degraded and given dirty looks by adults.   They aren't stupid.  They know 100% that they are "different" and they dont need an adult to make them feel worthless about it.    Think twice before you judge a child who you think has parents who "obviously don't discipline or care about their child's behavior" because you never, NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors.